Sparked in the magazine section of Walgreens last night, I present to you a list of 5 signs you are pushing 30 (ie 5 signs yours truly is clearly pushing 30):
1. Cosmopolitan magazine gets glossed right over in the magazine rack (even if the same suggested sex positions/tricks didn't already seem ridiculous, you don't think your late twenties body could handle them, anyway) for Real Simple. Just look at that flower arrangement! I must have it on my Spring kitchen table-scape immediately.
2. When making arrangements for visiting friends, overnight trips or "I-may-have-to-crash-at-your-place" drinking plans...the first question to pop in your mind is Will I have a bed? Floor sleeping and couch squishing put a cramp in your neck just thinking about them. This lady needs a proper bed, or she is staying at a hotel.
3. Speaking of bedtime: your nightly routine is becoming increasingly complicated and long. Not exfoliating your face, applying anti-aging serum, brushing (with an electric toothbrush), flossing, mouth-washing, hand-creaming, foot-lotioning (sometimes even with little, warm spa socks), hair brushing and probably braiding to avoid snarls, tall glass of water drinking then peeing twice before laying down is...well...not an option.
4. Your purse is getting heavier and bigger.
What do you mean you are only bringing that little clutch out tonight!, I exclaim in horror at my 22 year old friend.
It has everything I need, she calmly replies.
That's not possible, I say. Where do you keep your emergency drugs? Advil? Pepto? (in a hushed tone) GasX?
I won't get sick.
I don't have my period.
But what if you get your period?
I won't, I'm on the pill.
Yes but what if you still get it...
Do you not understand how the pill works?
*She walks away from me on dangerously high heels...I scurry after her in my flats.*
The contents of my bag currently include, but are not limited to: hand sanitzer, my Kindle (boredom strikes when you least expect it, people!), my entire makeup bag, my sunglasses case, my eyeglasses case, eye drops, a mini pharmacy, my wallet, sunscreen, deodorant, a booklet of stamps, a pen, my iPhone, a hair clip, a dozen or so bobby pins, keys, a spare doggy poo bag in case I'm with Lucy and a notebook. OK OK. Two notebooks. But one is really little.
5. Being able to reply to the question "Got any plans this weekend?" with a solid no! is a pleasure and a thrill to rival even the most exciting, best laid calendar of events. You get protective over your plan-less weekend, hoarding it away in your apartment along with old copies of Real Simple magazine and cups of tea out of the same chipped mug for 2 days. Checking off even just 1/2 of your to-do list (post office, groceries, thank you card...yea, that'll do.) sends you into a euphoric state of great accomplishment. Spa socks on your feet, hydrating masque on your face, you revel in radio silence; almost Gollum style referring to your plan-free weekend as your precious. You love an adventure and you love your friends....but 30 is calling and these days are so rare, you know?
The list actually goes on, but I am re-evaluating my retirement investments today and must be signing off...(oh gosh. so not early 20's anymore.)...