After winning an award for Best.Boyfriend.Ever over the weekend via this little surprise stunt, B continued to give me the warm fuzzies until yesterday morning when he sadly had to hop back on a plane to head east again. Meh. Sad faces. But, I am still so thankful for the time we did get to spend together and for all of his tricks and treats...Including his hand made book called The Grateful Boyfriend (that colorful guy you see above), which was 100 days worth of unique love and gratitude filled memories of me and us. Pretty dreamy, right? Damn he is good... On Tuesday, B escorted me to a coaching session with T and it made me happy-giggle so much to see them both embrace each other like old friends; huge smiles and "it is so good to finally meet you's" exchanged. After B left us to it, I began chatting about the weekend, my birthday, and all things love and relationships. And then I began to confess, lump in my throat, about how deeply I have come to care for B and how...though I try to fight it...there are moments when I simply don't feel worthy of the loving kindness he gives to me (pours on me, really); that I worry one day he'll wake up and feel differently. That I'll hurt him, lose him or make a general mess of things because that's what "girls like me" do. That a part of me feels as if my life has become a mix of the best and most classic romantic comedies; Tom Hanks to my Meg Ryan kinda deal. That this can't possibly be something I am worthy of and that I am anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop so I can finally just say, see? I knew it. Too good to be true. That I love him, very much, and therefore I am putting us both at risk. In typical coaching fashion...and with a side of T being extra special, hence the lump in her throat as well...she then asked me "And what's it like to live in fear? What is life like, living in fear?" The answer, of course, is not a pretty one. So 29 is a year of new levels of fearlessness, from the ordinary to the extraordinary. It is the year of vulnerability and open-hearted, intimate exchanges. Of believing "girls like me" are worthy of big, bold and beautiful lives (and men as romantic as B). Of knowing love is the only rational act and thus acting out of love, often. Of pushing boundaries and saying farewell to the comfort zone. *gulp* Of writing, exploring, traveling, dancing simply because it feels nourishing to do these things...because my spirit feels most alive in them. Of being present and trusting the process more than ever. Of gratitude for it all. Emphasis on the all. And of owning with every ounce of my being the truth and strength and courage in this: "She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful." - Terri St. Cloud Hello, 29. You're looking good, my friend. love and light, Trish
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A mix of iPhone (thanks, A, for capturing the moment!) and digital SLR photos from the weekend, in which my sweet B surprised me with an (early) birthday party and I cried like a baby while shaking and saying things like "this makes my spirit feel so big!!"....(which it did. so, so big). Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful for all of my west coast friends helping B pull off this thoughtful little trick. I was so sad to think we weren't going to spend any birthday time together (I may have even been giving him a bit of a guilt trip, lately...) and this was just above and beyond anything I could have hoped for. Sometimes I'm not the best at "receiving" (I even said that to some of the gals on Saturday; I'm trying so hard just to receive right now) but I did my best to simply soak in all of the love and birthday wishes that were generously being poured on me. Frankly, when I moved here 4 years ago, I never imagined building a community...a family...like the one I have in this city by the Bay. This colorful mix of folks full of life and adventure has come to mean more to me than I can possibly explain and I am so thankful to have been given such a blessed send off into my 29th lap around the sun. "Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart." -Brene Brown Cheers to the exchange; to giving and receiving, and to the open-heart friends who make it all possible. In Gratitude, Trish Hey there, Party People! I'm giddy as a school over here as one part of my new "healthy is the new sexy" regime has arrived (bonus: I love, love, love snail mail).... I mean c'mon...just look at that radiant, gorgeous lady! I keep telling the Weeblies that in a few weeks when Gwyneth walks into the office, to not be alarmed; it's actually just me, Trish, with awesome skin (and possibly freshly highlighted hair...any SF salon recs for a brunette looking to go blonde?). I've heard ol' Gwynny has gotten some flack over this beautiful book (ie she's not a nutrition expert, so should shush it) but to all her haters I just have to say: Jealousy is a stinky cologne. Home-girl is glowing, and ya'll are crazy. Take it for what it is and not the be all-end all health bible, and you'll be all good. Get it?! ALL GOOD. Ha. Sigh-five (self high five). I'm stoked to get crackalackin' in the kitchen with a bunch of her recipes! I'm starting tonight with a friend, as I've found it's way easier to cook nutritiously when other folks are involved to a) motivate me to not take shortcuts, b) split the cost of pricier ingredients and c) make the process more fun. Which, I guess all this means is that I'll have to host some small dinner parties at casa de Diggy. Anyone wanna come over and eat like Gwyneth with me?! I'm officially taking reservations. In other health news, I read this article yesterday that put a big ol' chocolate loving smile on my face, as it essentially gave me wholehearted permission to add a bit of this deliciousness to my morning smoothies... And finally, what is "health" without including the "mental" in front of it: Happy Thursday! love and light, Trish The "Pinspiration" (Ryan Gosling + Golden Girls is my absolute dream night): My personal version (I am a lucky lady to have this guy + Golden Girls, instead): .....I cannot stop laughing over here. In Gratitude, Trish Lately I've been thinking a lot about a part of the human condition that can sometimes be fairly unpleasant: the overwhelming desire to be right. I've seen it pop up in a handful of my own relationships recently and I've listened to the woes of friends struggling in this desire, too, much more than usual. As I've heard their stories and considered their positions (many of which are quite justifiable), my main questions to them in response have been: Why? Why is it so important for you to be told "OK, you're right" in order to move forward? And then, What are you sacrificing for this desire? Yes, folks want to be understood. Heck, half the time folks just want to be heard. I wholeheartedly get that. But I ask you: at what cost? What is the price you are paying to feel the fleeting gratification in an acknowledgement of "right" and is it, I wonder, truly worth it? Now, this doesn't mean we should openly allow negative behaviors (or opinions) of others to continue affecting us by shrugging our shoulders with a sad oh well, nothing to be done; this is not what I mean by the gentler path to take in the possibility of finding peace. We certainly do not (should not!) need to condone or accept anything in our lives that makes our spirits feel small or pushes us down a path we don't feel fit to be taking. But I wonder what would happen if we gave up the need to be right in order to just be, instead... Some harder learned truths about fighting to be "right": The degree to which the perceived need to be right affects the possibility of making a safe, smooth exit from an unpleasant situation is the same as, directionally speaking, continuously making a right turn to get out of a bad place and on to your desired destination; you just end up driving in circles, landing back exactly where you started, over and over again, each time with a greater degree of frustration, disappointment and regret. Everyone approaches all disagreements from varying levels of consciousness. No matter how great we are with communication, we are never fully sharing the same experience with others. You can't rationalize with an irrational person (or a stubborn one...or an ego sensitive one...), so consider the real triumph in releasing, instead. So this is where I am now and where I encourage you to join me; releasing the desire to be right. Creating a safe space around myself that welcomes differing opinions while also leaving room for these opinions to gracefully exit my bubble of self truths so that I may continue to live my life in whatever way works best for me. If folks want to chase you down, wagging their fingers, spewing off their laundry list of offenses (and defenses) in the hopes you will bend to them, it will be at the expense of their own wasted energy...energy that could be so, so much better spent...not yours. Let them be the ones to turn in at night exhausted and defeated while you can rest easy knowing the peace in your soul is self-created and not stemming from a moment of ego-based satisfaction. My mental mantra is (per the suggestion of Ms. Gabby Bernstein): I accept that you are suffering too, and I forgive you. I accept that you are suffering too, and I release this. I love this quote from Paulo Coelho: "We human beings have enormous difficulty in focusing on the present; we're always thinking about what we did, about how we could have done it better, about the consequences of our actions, and about why we didn't act as we should have. Or else we think about the future, about what we're going to do tomorrow, what precautions we should take, what dangers await us around the next corner, how to avoid what we don't want and how to get what we have always dreamed of." I'd argue the same sentiment can be true for how we project these past/future swirlings on to others, as well, in our struggle to be right: Never allowing the peace in the present to take root by ping ponging back and forth from each end of the worry/fear spectrum. It's exhausting, no? It's like what my dad tells me: live your life, kid. So just keep living your life. Right here, right now. Be the living example or proof you are looking to verbally provide in a disagreement or point of conflict in your days. Let it go, let it be, move forward instead of in circles. And Be Free, Trish ...I wore this beautiful, summery, only $28 necklace from Heritage Row. I also felt super self conscious taking a selfie to post of it, but then when I said to B "I feel like I look crazy and shouldn't post it" he said "you are being crazy now. Just post."...so, we got over that. This bus message felt simple and sweet (the Love one, not the warning to hold on...which, if you ride the bus, you should totally do...)... My darling friend A gave me this precious succulent plant I plan on trying my hardest *not* to kill... I cracked open this book, which was a surprise treat from another co-worker who made me giggle when he said "I felt like this might be a book you'd enjoy since you're in to healthy eating...but then I got worried you'd think I'm trying to tell you to lose weight because of the sub-title...and I'm not telling you that!" :) Another furry friend of a coworker came in to hang with us for the day and was pretty funny to watch prance around... I taught my new intern, Cat, (who is 16 and way cuter/cooler than I'll ever be) how to make my family's token 7 layer bean dip. I wish I had an "after" photo from serving it yesterday as this dish was practically *licked* clean. Great work, Cat! My interest got peaked by this product....has anyone ever used this? Thoughts? Happy Friday, all! love and light, Trish Hi Trish, I am a long time reader of your blog (but I've never commented). Love your message and kind of feel like we'd maybe be buds if I lived on the west coast (in a totally non-creepy way, of course!) :) I know you are in a long distance relationship and I was wondering if you have any advice on how you make that work? I am in one myself (it's really new) and it's crazy the amount of question marks that continually go through my head about how this is going to work... Either way, love your blog! thanks for the daily dose of gratitude. xo, J Dear J, As mentioned in my separate note to you, thank you so much for reaching out and for being a Grateful Lifer! I am incredibly humbled by your kind words and if you are ever on the west coast, let's definitely grab a coffee like old buds ;) Brandon and I are touched you would allow us the opportunity to take a crack at a response...it felt so good to discuss these things together, and we hope our personal thoughts are beneficial to your own long distance situation! Plus, any excuse to talk about my feelings (as my friends and I say, "I just have so.many.feelings!") you know I will pounce on... 1. Flirt! Girl, you gotta keep the romance extra alive when you are long distance. In some ways, because we don't have easy physical access to one another, it's as if we are constantly courting. We are fortunate to live in a world where there are multiple means of communication, so as B says: A little creativity can allow the distance to serve as a tool. Quick example: send old-fashioned snail-mail (as Trish calls it.) When is the last time you opened the mailbox and got something that wasn't a bill? 2. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. From day 1 of our relationship, about a year and some change ago, we have continued to explore the joys of authentic connection found in being vulnerable with one another. It can feel scary and humbling to let your guard down, but when you don't have the benefit of face to face, physical connection, vulnerability becomes even more valuable to the growth of your partnership. You have to be totally yourself and allow the other person sacred space to be his or her own self, too. 3. Don't set specific times to connect. This may seem counter intuitive to keeping a long distance relationship going, but avoiding making many on-the-calendar phone or Skype dates has worked wonders for us. Not only are we 3,000 miles apart, but we are also living with a 3 hour time difference between us. It places far too much pressure on each other when we try and set specific times to talk on the phone; someone almost always either feels rushed or forced while the other feels disappointed. We've found our own rhythm of keeping in touch simply by going with the flow of our separate but connected lives; we reach out when we want, but remain flexible and patient if the other person is not as available (including emotionally) in that moment. Or as Brandon says: Make love, not chores. The more you treat the relationship like a task, the less fun it becomes. Life happens, so when it does, move like a jellyfish. By being flexible and understanding that things are hard enough being apart, why allow the uncontrollable's to fuel the fire? Which of these sound better: setting a specific time to call, and someone goes MIA, or getting a random call just to say hello, or I miss you, or I hope your day is going well. Of course the latter. 4. Shift your perspective. Instead of always looking at the distance as a curse, try to see the silver lining in it. I really liked B's thoughts on this: You both saw something in each other that was clearly enticing enough to test the hurdle of distance. The important thing to realize is that each and every relationship is a unique dynamic, born of the interactions and weirdness we each bring to the table (side note from Trish: we love weird!). To illustrate, I've spoken with people who swear traveling every week for work is the best thing that's ever happened to their relationship. If you think about it, this puts the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" on continuous loop. Because you are already in a long distance relationship, it will be easy to illustrate. Recall the butterflies you get each time the two of you have gone days, weeks, or god forbid months apart. Now shift to the moment when you or he steps out from baggage claim, off the train, out of the taxi, or whatever mode of transportation reunites you both. Although not ideal, the distance almost fosters a prolonging of that giddy, new love feeling. 5. Trust the process. You'll hear me say this a lot on my blog as it's one of my core life mottos that has served me well over the past year, especially. Placing your concentration on what will be or what comes next...or even basing your tomorrow off of what has happened in the past...leads you astray from the present moment. B and I have found that when we take things one day at a time, enjoying one another right here and now, there is an ease to our distance. And when we are together? Shew, it is so very wonderful. Since re-connecting over a year ago, B and I have spent time in San Francisco, San Diego, Las Vegas, DC, Philly, New York, Hawaii, Australia and Florida (not to mention a plethora of other west and east coast small towns) together. If I could summarize a single tip on how we made all of that happen, it would be by trusting the process--not fighting to be one thing or another, but simply by going with the flow and letting it all unfold as naturally as possible. 6. "Normal" relationship advice still applies. Love, give, respect, trust, laugh and play; be kind, be honest, be open, be silly. Whatever pieces of advice have resonated with you before in non-long distance relationships should continue to be important to you, now. 7. Throw out this list and do what works for you. As Brene Brown says, "No one can define what's meaningful for us." Although these things have helped our relationship continue to grow and thrive, you should always do what feels right for you and your boyfriend above all else. Plenty of well intentioned folks have offered tidbits of advice to B and I on this subject, but following our own two hearts is what has really nurtured our seeds of love to continue blooming. Good luck! With Love, Trish and Brandon |
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