In one week from today I turn 28 years young. Starting a fresh lap around the sun has me reflecting back on the most recent years of my life while also (excitedly!) pondering what's yet to be.
For one thing, while I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be 5 years ago I am also...somehow...exactly where I thought I would be. It may seem odd that these notions can coexist, but it is deeply true for me. On one level I believed I would (still) be married. I believed I would be adorable puppy and small but cozy home owning. Agency working. Dinner party for couples hosting. In a pleasant routine-ing. I even believed I would be at some point in the baby making and family planning process, despite the concept of motherhood scaring the bajeezus outta me. But even as I type I know how hazy that vision of my future always actually was; how distant, disconnected and ill fitting it felt. It was never something I could fully grasp. It was like I could see it...but I couldn't ever feel it.
On the other level, my most real visions--my gut affirming, easiest to breathe in visions--contained quiet mornings on a yoga mat laid across hard wood floors in small studio apartments. They contained solo travel and adventures across the globe where I met new, wonderful people. They included late nights of dancing, bottles of wine enjoyed in dynamic company, writing, mystery and passion filled, unexpected connections. And most importantly? They involved exploration and expansion of my spirit; they involved a relationship with God in a way that felt right for me. This glimpse of my future I kept mostly tucked away in the corner of my heart, where it felt the most safe and free of judgment from others. But it never faded. It was never fleeting or hazy. If I had the courage, I could hold it in the palm of my hands and marvel at its beauty.
One of the coaches during my Costa Rica trip said something to me that struck me so profoundly it still gives me chills to think about. I hesitated posting about it here because of the personal nature and degree to which it has affected my spirit; it very well may be one of those things that you have to be there to hear to fully understand, you know? But, I think now is as good a time as any to share.
In one of our group coaching sessions I was in the midst of quietly explaining the depths to which my regrets had been flooding me with guilt on a daily basis. To be honest, I hadn't planned on speaking at all during the session and only began talking when prompted in the final moments of the discussion. Suddenly, the oh so intuitive C's face (we'll call this lovely lady C for the sake of privacy) lit up and she interrupted me by saying "I'm sorry...I'm getting a download...I have to ask; do you want to be a mother?"
Open the floodgates.
Without hesitating I choked out through tears, "You know, I never used to. But now...now I desperately want to be a mommy." Hearing myself say those words shook me to my core--they were so raw and true and unknown to me in many ways. How had I not acknowledged this desire before?
"Yea. I thought so. And you know what? You had to go through all of that for her."
So, my 28th birthday is around the corner. I've outlined in my journal what the "perfect" June 20th, 2012 would specifically look like and I'm pretty proud to say my wish list came out really simply. That is to say, the desires that naturally came up (that's my favorite part of journaling--the ability to be real and raw over and over again) are all very simple--there is nothing unachievable or far reaching or overly selfish and superficial. There is mostly just a humble desire to be surrounded by love in various shapes and forms. To be in the moment and to sit comfortably and safely in whatever arises. And to be grateful for the gift of 28 years of life.
It is so easy to spiral into negative thinking; to let regrets, jealousies, comparisons, worries of the unknown consume us. What am I doing with my life? Where is this headed? Why did that happen? Someone..please..anyone..tell me what was the point of it all and what exactly is yet to come. But where does this kind of thinking tend to lead us? No place I'd like to dwell, that's for sure.
Maybe I will someday have a little girl like C's vision suggested. Maybe I'll be a mom with a partner or a mom flying solo. Maybe things were what they were and are what they are so that I can be the best mother I could possibly be.
Or maybe the past 5 years had to unfold as they did for her in the sense of my own spirit. She is me and I am her--and for her, I now know I would do anything. I know it is my divine right to do anything for her.
Either way, the point is that it was worth it. It was all worth it. Regardless of where my path leads me I can know it is exactly as it should be so long as I live in a space of faith, love, kindness and gratitude...
...So long as I continue to muster the courage to hold the authentic corners of my heart in the palms of my hands and marvel at their beauty.
Pretty good place to start 28, don't ya think?
love and light,