Trish, My topic #1 - Why oh why can't I just have confidence in myself in my career. Not the 50% of the time that it actually shows itself, but 100% of the time. Why can't I have the confidence that any man in my shoes, with my experience and my brains would have?? Love you, J ------------------------------------------------------------------ Hi J, Before reading this response, you may want to put on a classic female empowerment song to help really set the tone. For example, I'm currently typing to the Eurythmics "Sisters Are Doin it For Themselves" . Because Aretha + Annie together alone should begin to shift your perspective. Or don’t. It’s just a suggestion. I also want to make a very concrete, unapologetic statement before diving into this: I am a feminist. I believe deeply in equal rights. I believe without equality, there cannot truly be democracy. I believe in the supportive power of sisterhood AND brotherhood. I believe in complete and total ownership over my body. I believe we have an obligation to take care of each other, to lift one another up and to make room for everyone at the table because there is always enough to go around. And I believe that ex boyfriends are off limits to friends, because, I mean, that’s just, like, the rules of feminism. To be more specific to your particular career-based inquiry I also want to offer this as a summary of my beliefs: "There's only two options: One is that men are far, far, far more talented than women and deserve 95% of the top jobs, or the second is that there's systematic bias. Those are the options. Pick one. Because those are your only two choices." So, if anyone has a different definition of feminism, I’ll have to politely excuse myself from the conversation for now. I’m not currently interested in this post being a forum for debate on the subject. It’s my blog, so what I say, goes {said in my best Jersey Italian girl voice with B’s flexed muscles as my back up}…. ...and anyway, you can always skip down a few paragraphs to where I offer up a different perspective on all of this, or just enjoy my selection of memes and gifs. [Gentle reminder: We can be very serious about these things, without taking ourselves too seriously.] This essay is about you, J, and the millions of other women who have wondered these thoughts about themselves as well. This essay is just a drop in the bucket to the various degrees of which this question of worth has been explored by females across the planet; from equality in the workplace, to having a voice in their communities or an input in their fates, to combating the rampant horrors of sex slavery, abuse, and archaic patriarchal practices still in use worldwide. Female hearts everywhere stumble with fear of failure or imperfection because it is frankly a result of the systemic inequality that continues to exist. In summary: This 50% confidence of yours? It is not all your fault. But, there is hope. Michelle. Malala. Sheryl + Cheryl. Hilary. Glennon. Liz. Stevie. Gloria. Amy + Tina + Mindy. Sisters Oprah + Gayle. Lena. Emma. Coretta + Maya + Susan B. Lady + Bey. Angelina + Meryl. The Women of Wakanda. Every damn one of my beloved Golden Girls. There are sisters all over the globe, past and present, who inspire me and millions of others in their unique and powerful ways to continue finding courage within themselves, and to pay that forward. "Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke... To be very transparent, I keep waiting for someone to rip me apart on the coaching work and words that I share here. I keep waiting for someone to shine a light directly in my face for official interrogation of who the hell I think I am, or what makes me qualified to write in these ways to people who are trusting me to be honest, compassionate and maybe even helpful. I, too, question myself quite often. I wonder where my confidence sneaks off to in moments where I need it most. I worry that my work is not meaningful, or good enough. But you know what else? I am no longer beating myself up for not being confident 24/7. I am learning to cherish my solid 50% rate. And I am fortunate to have found meaningful ways of rebounding from triggered, negative self talk more + more quickly, tipping the scale closer to 60, 75, even 80% on occasion. Making me feel like: I would love to share some of my strategies with you, if that’s ok? (I’m pretending you said OK! with an air fist pump of enthusiasm) J -- It is impossible to live an unjudged life. When I take a moment to remember this truth, it is always instantly at least a little bit easier to breathe, and make moves. If I am looking for a perfect performance of pleasing and proving, I’ve taken myself out of the race before I’ve even made a single step. And that is a real buzz kill. Next, think of 3 people in your life whose opinions you value, primarily because you know they love, trust, understand, and appreciate you. These are the people whom, as Brene Brown says, are “in the ring” with you. These are the people to think of when your confidence begins to wane. No one else -- start with just those three. Keep their images close, and know that even though they might not be connected to your work in any way, you can use their confidence in you to help lift your spirit. Everyone else, be damned. Surround yourself with the energy of positive women, J. Be vulnerable with them, and hold space for their truths, too. Then, focus on the work at hand. What feels like the right decisions to make with the knowledge you have (ahem, those brains you mentioned)? I really like this quote from President Obama in his Humans of New York interview (see, I like boys, too! I’m quoting a real live male!): “I first ran for Congress in 1999, and I got beat. I just got whooped. I had been in the state legislature for a long time, I was in the minority party, I wasn’t getting a lot done, and I was away from my family and putting a lot of strain on Michelle. Then for me to run and lose that bad, I was thinking maybe this isn’t what I was cut out to do. I was forty years old, and I’d invested a lot of time and effort into something that didn’t seem to be working. But the thing that got me through that moment, and any other time that I’ve felt stuck, is to remind myself that it’s about the work. Because if you’re worrying about yourself—if you’re thinking: ‘Am I succeeding? Am I in the right position? Am I being appreciated?’ --- then you’re going to end up feeling frustrated and stuck. But if you can keep it about the work, you’ll always have a path. There’s always something to be done.” Even the leader of the free world can relate, sister friend. (Oh God, how we miss you, 44). Don’t set a hard goal for yourself of 100% confidence success rate. That honestly sounds...exhausting. Any male that tells you he is 100% confident, all of the time, is not only completely full of shit but potentially also a sociopath and should be avoided at all costs. Maybe even reported to an authority of some kind, though I don’t know which exactly, and will get back to you on that...so just avoid them for now, OK? (Oh God, how you worry me, 45). And maybe this isn't really a male vs. female centered debate at all. Maybe it is an “authentic self” vs. “others-focused self” debate: one that calls to attention the difference between healthy striving, and un-healthy comparison. For the sake of this post, let’s say it is. Let’s put down our protest banners and snap back on our bras. Which, for me, has nothing to do with being a feminist at all and everything to do with having to wear bras in general and really not liking it. Because honestly? The most important part of all this is that you learn to trust yourself to know when to play what cards, to use which tools, and to follow your intuition and instincts. I repeat: The most important part is to learn to Trust. Your. Self. To speak to yourself kindly, and to continuously whisper to your spirit the words of dear Joan: “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.” Practice, J. Practice trusting yourself until your courageous thoughts become your beliefs. You deserve to be where you are. I whole heartedly say this not because I happen to know you and the great work you do (if necessary, I will line up your teammates and have them awkwardly give you affirmations), but because there is room enough for everyone at the table, and your seat was permanently reserved the minute you were born. All you have to do is remember to show up, sit down, head held high, ready to unapologetically use those experiences and brains you know you have. And maybe napkin in lap, because having equality doesn’t mean we shouldn’t also have manners. "I do not wish for them [women] to have power over men; but over themselves." J, I’m so glad we could have this little chat. I’m now currently listening to Whitney Houston belt out “I’m Every Woman”, in case you were interested in an exit song. Kesha's "WOMAN" is also lighting me up these days. So cheers to you, your continued success, and growing practice of building confidence: To kicking ass and taking names like a girl. And remember: "If your nerve deny you, go above your nerve." - Dickinson love and light and sisters, unite! Trish
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