Everything I have ever wanted, but didn’t know until it was mine. That's the essence of her.
I have spent much of my life seeking. I am a seeker, to be sure.
I have sought after everything from relationships to friendships, jobs and money, material desires to spiritual fulfillment. I have sought God. I have sought healing. I have sought forgiveness and courage and worth. I have sought these things in many corners of the world using a variety of tools, some which were healthy and some, quite frankly, which were not.
I believed for a long time that if I weren’t seeking…if I were too still…I would miss it. I believed it was all out there, waiting, if only I discovered the right way to look, to sound, to be. I was sold the notion that I needed more, I needed to BE more, I needed to seek more. Then, perhaps, I would have enough, know enough, be enough.
I still seek many things. I am a seeker, to be sure.
But it is all so simple now, as I use curiosity and wonder instead of judgement or fear. I seek more quality, intentional time with my family. I seek patience with self on these journeys of motherhood and marriage. I seek to connect with the breadth of life and the people it brings me. I seek to be outdoors, with mama earth, in any way she will have me; to dig out the rot of an aching soul with my bare hands, just as I'd dig in her soil to foster new life.
And while I'll always seek those things, along with the kind of adventure found on warm summer days at the park or beach or woods with my girls, I know it is safe to be still. I know it is safe to be me, as I am enough. It is safe to trust what I have, as it is enough. This time in particular, as we isolate from many people, places, things we love, has highlighted this truth in unprecedented, unexpected ways. What is true and real and right are not always easy, eh?
We are doing the best we can. And that is OK. That is good enough.
Truthfully, it does not surprise me much that it took growing life to fully understand where to seek and find the most genuine, important things; within.