Warning: This is a long post. Maybe even of the "rant" variety. Indulge me, yea?
If you follow this blog on even a semi-regular basis, you'll know of my great admiration for singer/songwriter Tristan Prettyman. The girl is seriously bad ass and I love her, her music, her energy and her blog to bits and pieces.
Reading her latest post this morning could not have come at a better time:
"...During this time where the new moon just passed and the seasons are changing, it’s a good time to clear out the old. Things, people, habits, etc..that no longer serve you. What kind of energy are you surrounding yourself with? What kind of people are you letting into your space? What kind of people are those people letting into their space? Your space is sacred. You can feel when the tap shuts off and things don’t flow as easily as they are when you are aligned with the life you really want to be living.
Now is as good a time as any to re-access your life, your friends, your goals, and your outlook on life.
Where could you do a little maintenance, a little tune up? What could you let go of?
Let it goooo, into the wind and don’t look back. You wont even know its missing in a couple days....
...At the end of the day, you have to live with the things you invite into your space, and if they aren’t working for you anymore, you have the right to escort them right out. If people frown, or your friends give you a hard time, or your family wishes something else for you, tough nuggets. Its not up to them. We all deserve to be happy, healthy and loved.
You always have a choice.
So choose it fully, and choose it well."
The past few days I've felt exactly that; like there was a block in my flow I couldn't quite put my finger on. After reading Tristan's post I realized this block was because I had begun a familiar pattern, once again, of inviting people into my life who simply are not ready to treat me the way I wish to be treated. Not bad people--actually quite great people. Just folks who have the potential for me to care greatly about who also are simply not on the same page as me.
My space is, indeed, sacred. While I will always stand by the belief that being open and welcoming to new people in your life can bring about awesome adventures, change and lessons, I am also learning to value my space and what I choose to bring to it. This is most applicable to my current friendships and the dating game.
Ahhh yes. The dating game.
As Tristan once said in another post of hers, I don't want to be with someone who isn't ready for me; I want to be with someone who can't get enough of me. So, as humbling as it is to admit, (arrrgh I really hate admitting this) if a person truly likes you and is interested in you--they will make time for you. And if they're barely acknowldeging your presence in their lives--going from adorably "trying not to get too excited!" to just...well...not being excited at all, then it's probably for the best to release them. To accept them and where they are on their path, and release them.
There's no need for me to fear it's not working the way I'd hoped because of something I've done "wrong". I know that I did the best I could, I made the efforts from my end. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. Hell, if I'm honest, I haven't really been given the chance to prove anything even if I wanted to. Which, while that can be an entirely frustrating feeling, is also a sign of needing to move on.
As my friend told me last night; "I say start over...he needs to be excited and stay excited...Be happy with yourself so that when the next guy comes along, he won't define you, he'll just add to your awesomeness...just don't let him let you feel small...And I mean it, he isn't acting like he deserves you. Until and if he does, just move on with your life."
So I guess that's where I am right now. Moving on with my life; holding space that is sacred.
F*ck it, I'm gonna be straight with you---I am a good time. Like...a real hoot of a good time! (I'm laughing while I type this, despite being dead serious!) :) My awesomeness is one I've cultivated through years of being a really great friend, neighbor, coworker, person. My awesomeness has a lot to do with the equally awesome folks I've surrounded myself with. I practically wake up in the morning and piss awesome! OK OK, that's slightly exaggerated. Also a little gross.
In all seriousness, I have an awesome career, a fabulous family, friends who rock, a life that knocks my socks off daily. I'm looking for someone who wants to adventure with me in all of these areas. You know...actually go out and DO things. Don't people actually DO shit anymore? Like, see a movie? Go for a hike? A concert? I live in an amazing city in an amazing part of the world where there is fun and love and laughter to be had all over, all the time. Who wouldn't want to explore all of this?
The most interesting part for me is that I'm definitely not looking for someone to get instantly super serious with--the idea of that actually scares the bajeezus outta me. It's really important to me that I am still able to do my own thing, and they theirs. It's SO important to me to have a fulfilling life outside of a romantic relationship and I'd want the same for my partner, too. I feel like guys sometimes assume when you want to hang out more it means things are moving "too fast" or that it's too much pressure or that you're going to get all needy on them. That's just stupid to me. I want to hang out because we had a good time and there is fun shit to do that I think we'd both like. What's so wrong with that?
We teach people how to treat us whether intentionally or not and I suppose I haven't been giving the best lessons on how I'd hope to be treated.
The bottom line?
I'd love to be with someone, spend time with someone, who is as open to trusting the process as I am; who wants to play--I love to play!--but won't make me his play thing.
And this is a balance I've been struggling to find lately.
Tristan is right. We always have a choice.
So, I think I'll choose to let go. My awesomeness can only be stifled for so long :)
Love and Light,